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Don't know if I have to tell an inspiring story or I can be frank. Cause I'm really uncertain about how my life is gonna be. In brief, I've experienced 2 severe depressive episodes. The first one occured when I was 15. Back then I was closer to suicide than ever after in my life. I was already holding a razor on my vein with the intention to cut it and kill myself. That was happening over and over again for 4-5 months several times per week. I realised after that my survival instinct is stronger, and that was the only reason I haven't killed myself - I was too afraid. Now I'm treating my second depressive episode, which is also severe and this time I experienced suicidal activity again. The problem is that I've been treating this depressive episode over a year now,and I'm really afraid that this will never end. What if I won't be able to overcome it... It interferes strongly with my career and personal life. Sometimes I just feel like I'm stuck in this forever. On another day, I start doubting my psychiatrist's competition or think I'll never find a qualified psychiatrist in Russia. Or there are days when I blame myself for being lazy, coz I think that my depression has already gone away, and now i can't work properly or live a fascinating social life because i'm lazy or loser or a failure, not because of my mental disease. Sometimes I think that it's only the habit that has remained after 8 years of depression. Sometimes it seems that I need to work on my depression a little more, though i don't know how much longer i have to wait. It seems sometimes that what i'm experiencing is absolutely normal for my age and there are many people in their early 20s, who are frustrated and not motivated enough to do something in life. But then i start thinking that i've already missed all my opportunities because of the disease. Anyway, i'm frustrated on a daily basis. I'm trying to pursue my career as a journalist, but it seems to me that i'm not trying my best. And i'm not sure if it's my disease that might prevent me from achieving anything in this life, or it's all about my bad personality. I'm kinda stuck.