I had my first psychotic break between 19 and 20. I still dont understand it and its hard to accept that you never will, that its not real, thats its utter nonsence, that something that caused such intense fear was pointless, was chemicals not connecting, was going to ruin the rest of your life, would make you socially unacceptable, that would alter your behavior in ways you could not control and would inevitably be misinterpreted by others, be misunderstood by others always. Something that made me different. Something that took my emotikns from the highest of the high to the bottom of the pits. Something that has made me so emotionally exhausted. Something that possesses me and that I have to fight every moment to control and to be free from. The only releif is that I know my Lord snd Savior understands and holds me in his arms. I know that there are so many people with this whose experiences are so much worse. I understand from being there.