I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I was in and out of foster from 6 til 17. I was serially abused as a child by my father. I guess these have all been contributing factors to my depression. It became worse when I was in high school. I never fit in anywhere and no one understood the constant battle I fought in my own head. I joined band,played sports,even joined some clubs but never found anyone who could relate to me. I felt so alone. I used to cut in high school. It was on my upper thigh where no one could see. I didn't do it for attention. I did it because cutting and the pain actually stopped me from crying and feeling anything. It was break from who I was in my own head. As an adult my depression has become worse and now anxiety plagues my mind too. Everyday I live in constant fear that I am not good enough for my friends, for my loved ones, for my significant other or even for my job. When I wake up I have to convince myself that getting out of bed today will be good for me even though I don't feel that way. It's a struggle not to just lay in bed all day and pretend the world around me doesn't exist. It doesn't help that I don't have many people,even now, who understand what it's like. I have people tell me over and over to stop being depressed that I have no reason to be. My adoptive dad passed away last November and the monthsame that have followed have been some of the worst in my life. I'm looking into therapy now. I think it may help to talk to someone about the chaos in my head. I think mental illness needs to be more openly discussed so those who suffer feel more comfortable talking about their problems. I am not my depression.